listening to the clicks - part 1

I'm not the sort of woman to talk about expectations when getting married - my upbringing wasn't one where marriage was on display to build expectations around.  Surprisingly, I had some anyway, and built up plenty more along the way.   I'm the sort of person who learns from those around to discern the appropriate social customs and norms for the culture I live in, and it serves me well in a lot of ways. Not all ways, as I will share below...

Sit with this thought... In Genesis, after the poison apple and the cursed fall, God has this to say to the woman: "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you." Genesis 3:16

There is a lot in the bible about marriage and husbands and I'm no scholar, so I will confess that this passage wasn't something I considered. Until....

• Until my husband received a disability diagnosis that explained his relational and communication challenges - he isn't just a self absorbed jerk. 
• Until my husband rejected our "shared faith" for science and atheism. 
• Until I was staring down a divorce as my husband wanted me to be happy.

We started down a journey of discovery about 3 years ago and its been messy. I've not been kind, he isn't able to articulate feelings well, we've had death and grief and illness and job change and home sales...

I'm not writing this to cast judgement on anyone. I know first hand how difficult disappointment in marriage can be, how painful separation is, how deeply most people desire to be cared for. I'm writing this to share my thoughts, and perhaps encourage one person whose situation allows to try a different path.

My situation allows plenty of paths. My husband wants me to be happy and just can't see himself able to do anything in that regard (he has come a long way in 3 years but.. its never going to be easy or natural for him or I.) I've wrestled and wrestled. I've been angry, confused, sad, hurt, rejected, betrayed. I've known sureness and rested in my faith at the same time.

Except I really wasn't. Deep in my soul I wasn't resting in my faith and trusting the path I know I'm supposed to be on. I was continuing to long for my husband to be fixed and meet my needs like other husbands do. In other words,  just be... "normal." My focus was still on the flaws, on the challenges, on my desires...

I read this comment on Facebook and it captured exactly what I have been processing:

We are inclined to put our husbands before God as a result of the fall. Our curse was that our desire would be for them (meaning we want to get all our needs met by them) when worshiping and relationship with God should be first and foremost the desire of our heart. I have only come to understand this fairly recently. Like many, I believed this was a good thing, romantic and lovely, forgetting it’s a consequence of sin.  This has been mind blowing for me and not easy because having your central focus of how you live your life turned upside down is incredibly challenging.

I'm going to stop us all right there and say... the first 10 times I heard this I was incredulous!! Surely this isn't what the passage in Genesis means! So if you think so too, we are in good company.

And then. as I read, and prayed, and considered... I think it does. At least in part, as I'm no bible scholar and I can't read Hebrew.





I'm going to hit pause on this string of thoughts and come back another day to share more. Stay tuned.

Dusting the shelves

Just dusting the shelves on my blog. There may be more to see here shortly!

Lessons from the cat

Our oldest moved out two weeks ago but left behind her furniture and cat.. The idea is to come back for it all just as soon as things are arranged...

At first we were not keenly thrilled with the idea of the cat, as there had been some challenges with his training and I'm not a fan of indoor animal cleanup.. however, the cat almost immediately responded when left with us, and is doing excellent.

The lessons I'm learning from the cat are varied, but today I'm thinking of one thing in particular. Cats love napping. And generally their favorite place to nap is on someones lap (or next to it.) Every morning I get up and the cat starts to follow me around, which is rather neat and makes me feel special, but it only occurred to me this morning what the real deal is.

He is waiting for me to sit down so he can sit with me. 

It took me two weeks to slow down enough to evaluate and be honest about the truth.

Sitting down is not something I'm good at. In honestly, I'm usually a flutter of activity that doesn't stop until I lay down at the end of the day. Of course I sit at my desk at work, and that is where I spend much of my day, but at home I don't pause. In the world I don't pause.

So whats the solution?
I certainly cannot and will not guilt myself or shame myself. This is the year to ban negative self talk from my mind. Rather than saying "I should," I simply need to be honest with myself and remind myself of what I find joy in.

Ah, joy and happiness. Complex things we rush for, strive for, but perhaps don't always identify.

I find joy in the bible, in prayer, in singing, in walking with my dog, in being with my girls doing something they love, in reading a good book, in cooking a meal, in talking with friends over a meal. I find joy in my work and in the public sphere when I'm solving problems and helping people..and I am finding that I enjoy being with Jake when we are doing life together - walking together, watching the same show, or eating at the same place/time.

Here's to more Rurouni Kenshin with Emily, driving with Sarah with the radio on, and meals with Jake. Here's to an honest look at the calendar to find time to read some of these great books I'm piling up (currently reading Start With Why and its pretty dang good.) Here's a quote in line with this "Every instruction we give, every course of action we set, every result we desire, starts with the same thing: a decision." And of course, here's to spring, which brings more time for walking outdoors and opportunities to pause with friends over a beverage or a meal.

The cat, his name is Winston by the way, finds joy in being with us. He love to nap, to watch, and to be a moderate pest. He is inquisitive, even though he isn't a kitten, and he has certainly won us all over. He will be missed when she comes to collect him, but I hope the lessons we are all learning from our time with him will remain with us. Thank you to my daughter for the opportunity!

39th year

This is my 39th year.

I haven't yet had my birthday, but I'm living like I have.

I remember so many people of long ago, as they were approaching 40. Forty... It seemed like an impossible number at 10, and today, at 38.6 it still seems impossible.

I told a friend today that I only feel 30. 

And so it goes..

The three decided not to halt time and are growing up. The eldest has a moving out date all arranged... all that has to happen is the date to appear. The middle has her college sights set and is doing much .. and the youngest, she is determined to shine, as she has ever since birth...

My best friend, my beautiful dog Asia, is geriatric. Someday she will not be my walking partner, and I will weep for a time...

The king and I, we are talking of "when the girls are gone" and "the next 30 years" as if we have any more clue now than we did at 19, when this all began.

I'm hopeful for their lifeskills, praying daily for their daily... longing for jesus as I know this crazy world isn't getting any more sane.

I think about that 10 year old looking at those old people like they are crazy. I know the truth, that they are crazy, and yet they keep on, because at 40 you don't care about the world like you did at 10.

So how am I living like I'm 39? Great question. I'm doing a terrain race - I'm hiking the South Sister - I've started seeing a naturopath and I'm taking better care of my health -  and I'm going to spend a weekend or two in silent retreat this year on the encouragement of dear friend.

I'm almost at the point where I can write...

Its been a long time......

Morning!
It's been such a long time since I've been here. I am working on a project for myself, writing the skeleton of my book.

12 days post op, need a haircut!

And I'm recovering from surgery. I have a healing scar on my neck as a result of a two level ADR - I have two Mobi-C artificial discs now, between C5/6 an C6/7. I'm a new woman!

Where to begin?

In my recent mental ramblings I've been pondering the concept of identity. Nothing new for me, but I'm learning more and more how vital our identity is to our faith, maturity, and relationships. The hinge points for maturity are identity and truth - Who I believe myself to be dictates how I engage the world, and the truth I believe sets my moral compass.

For me, I can recall a distinct point in my life when I started to adopt the truths I had been learning and hearing and considering for so long. I was in my mid/late 20's, and I was essentially crashing into adulthood - yes, late, considering Jake and I were parents long before this time.

For a while I considered myself to be an adult but in reality acted like an overgrown teenager. I had issues from my life, acted like a victim at times, my wants and pleasures were self focused for the most part, and I as often people pleasing and looking for validation or approval. Not that I was able to articulate all that, but it is what was going on.

One day I realized this. This had a lot to do with some great friends but I woke up and realized that I didn't really have a healthy frame of mind. I needed help!

Between good friends, good counselors, the bible, other books, and my journal - I began to identify areas where I could see room for improvement. Its been quite a journey but I'm now about 10 years in and I'm so glad!

Identity. Who you believe yourself to be will shape your actions, goals, and motivations. For example. When my youngest was 1-1/2, I went to the doctor and she told me that I weighed 235 pounds. Still. In my mind I knew I wasn't a healthy weight, and I probably knew what that weight was, and I didn't really like it, but I didn't think I could do anything about it. I thought I was either going to suddenly lose weight, like so many women I know after babies, or I was just going to be like this forever. It took a doctor pointing it out to me to help me see that I wasn't on a good track. I had to believe that I could actually make the changes necessary to lose the weight and find health. My goal? To be a great mom with energy for grandkids someday. Nothing ridiculous. My secondary goal? To accept the fact that I have a genetic disposition and I wanted to turn that tide. SO. Not really numbers but truths, and I then embarked on a journey.

I heard the truth, believed I could do something, and began to fill my mind with new information.
It took determination, a consistent stream of truth to replace the wants in my head, and a goal.

For all out there working on this and possibly inspired, here is my grand method. One, eat small meals periodically, don't starve/binge as that kills your metabolism and your mood.  Two, cut out all fast food, processed foods, liquid calories, pizza and ice cream (my weaknesses!) Three, move a little (or just a little more). For me I chose to get an exercise bike. I had kids and couldn't leave them. But I was able to go in my room for 20 minutes when Jake was home to ride the bike. When I was able, I moved on to a real bike and went out for a ride around the block. Didn't cost much, and since we didn't have much, it was a win! Probably saved money by not eating junk too :)

Today I'm consistently about 150. Not the BMI weight of my height, but close enough. I have energy, well, when I'm not recovering from surgery! I mostly walk my dog and keep tabs on my eating. Its a pretty simple method! I still have to keep my mind fed with truth, because I really like food, and I don't think food is the issue, my self control is.

Truth & Identity. They go hand in hand, really. Since I believe that I was created by God, and he loves me, I can believe that I am His and He has a good plan for me. I am able to keep living and growing because I love Him and believe this, because it is true! He created me, loves me, has a plan for me, and it is GOOD. If I stop feeding my mind the truth, though, I become like my heavier self, I lose self control and focus, my wants overcome me, and I feel sick later.

Who do you believe you are?

Living Life Together

In a recent conversation I was reminded that our girls are pretty awesome! It's encouraging to me to see how they've matured into their own right and become women young women that other people see and respect. Another woman made a comment in hopes that her girls could spend time with my girls, to perhaps allow them to have some effect on them. I think about raising my girls often and so I gave her my little bits of wisdom... so I thought I'd share with you.

Of note, the primary thing that we've done with the girls which was possibly unique (to our culture) is  basically what I would call living life together.  If we are involved in something like serving or visiting somewhere or helping somebody we bring our girls with us. Our girls are part of the family so they're part of what we're doing.  I know a lot of people who are in ministry whose ministry is separate from their children,… I don't quite know if I could've done that. I didn't do it and I and I never wanted to... In fact, I was confronted at one point by the fact that the kids were working with me in a ministry that I was doing as their presence was a potential distraction for someone else. So rather than find a sitter or some other resource for them I simply stopped participating in that ministry. Jake does things independently of us, and I will go to meetings by myself, but in those ways that it is possible, we serve together as a family.

Having a brother in prison, it would be very easy to keep the girls sheltered from that world, but we chose not to; they have been in maximum security settings right along with me. It would have been easy not to follow the Lord into short term missions, especially to third world countries, but we live in peace not fear, and so we have all gone. Living in a small town, it would be easy to shelter the kids from a lot of things. But, as I've mentioned in years past, we chose to intentionally visit the city of Portland so that they could learn such things as "how to cross a street" and "how to walk on a sidewalk" and "how not to be a rude jerk when you see someone different than yourself." We've gone to different churches, visited different types of people, and heard different stories - all the while living life together.

There's a passage in the Old Testament that I've kept in mind; I should probably just tattoo it on myself because I love it so much and I'm looking forward to a new tattoo:

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."  Deuteronomy 6:4-99

I've always loved this passage because it is exactly how Jesus taught his disciples; he had them with him and did ministry with them, he taught them as they went and he shared with them as they went. He didn't just speak. In the living of life he taught them the way to live. It's a beautiful picture of the family!

(this passage is actually what prompted the idea for my tattoo on my wrist as a reminder not to concern myself with the things of this world but rather with pursuing the Lord -- Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26)

I'm a repetitive being, but as I look at my girls preparing for adulthood, I am really thankful that I was able to live life with them fully.

Haiti - Final Countdown!

The first half of our team leaves today, and Rachel and I leave in just seven short days! Time has just flown by yet we are truly feeling prepared and at peace to go :)

Thanks to the Lord for his incredible provision! At this time we are over half funded, and Rachel has a couple prepaid babysitting jobs to do when she is back. We were able to get our immunizations and anti-malaria prescriptions last weekend, thanks to a great local nurse who provides affordable missions travel vaccines at the Good News Clinic in Rockwood.

The team has a blog! I'm the blogger while we are in Jacmel, but there will be updates from the team heading to Carrefour as well, if you are curious: http://haitifall2014blog.wordpress.com

Ways to pray NOW:

Rachel is wrapping up drivers ed in the days to come. She has to take her finals early due to our trip, so please keep her in your prayers Wednesday and Thursday evening from 5-8pm. (her sister Emily will be doing the presentation portion of their final alone on Monday the 17th, and as long as that goes well, and Rachel passes her other finals, she will have passed drives ed!) Rachel also has classes to prepare to miss the week we are out, which  means the pressure really is on her!

I have found the Lord to be quite a teacher to me in these past weeks; learning much about dependence and trust in Him through car troubles and physical challenges. I am suffering from increased numbness in my right arm due to disc compression in my neck - it had been almost completely alleviated through massage/pt/chiro, but has returned with a vengeance. I saw a neurosurgeon and we are awaiting a new MRI to see what we are dealing with. I have confidence that this will not cause any issues in Haiti; it seems to be an issue primarily when sitting (at a desk or in my car) and in Haiti we will be doing everything but sit! You can pray that Providence (my insurance provider) will have mercy and grant me a second MRI this year! Other than that, I'm able to adjust myself as needed to keep the muscle spasms at bay, and I'm practicing the things I've learned through physical therapy. Work is going well and I believe everything will be just fine in my absence. At home, the rest of our family is prepared to take care of things (it does help to have three teenagers and a willing husband, along with a terrific extended family and friends!) My brother (Nick) is at peace about our trip (he is an inmate at CRCI) and we will be spending time with my mom Ellen this weekend (she turns 60 while we are gone!)

We have some last minute things to pickup and anti-malaria meds to take on Sunday, but otherwise, we are just readying our hearts and minds for the ways the Lord will use us specifically while we are in Haiti. May we be so available to His service home and away,